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Departing Imbolc towards the Spring Equinox.
Quick, graceful, and a master of the element of Air, the Hawk is symbolic of vision and power. The ability to fly and nest at high altitude and see prey and hunt from a great height brings a special reference to this majestic and fearless creature.
A quicksilver messenger of fate, the Hawk can help and support you to see through layers of doubt and uncertainty to the problem at the heart of the matter. Be swift and subtle and use your common sense to progress.
As a person in your life Knight of Arrows is a champion who rides to defend and uphold beliefs, for himself and on behalf of others. He/she has clear views and opinions and makes a good advocate for those who have no voice. He is a friend who is never downhearted but always energetic and spontaneous.
As an aspect or process Vigilance as you go through the process. Impulsiveness. Heroism. Struggling with ideological compliance or revolt. Using subtlety as a way through. Holding a grudge. Festering anger.
As an event/happening A cause that you espouse. A speedy turn of events. A decision that needs to be made. A meeting of like-minded people. A revolutionary inspiration. A violent kick-back or reaction. An ideological persecution.
Questions In the depths of doubt, what do you hold to strongly? What do you need to stand up for? Where might you be wrongly informed?
Heroism • Disputation • Subtlety • Clear-sightedness • Impetuosity • Anger • Holding a grudge • Valour
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Dear Allison & the Onyx Savant,
Happy New Year’s, I suppose. I have not often felt less excited for a new year, but I must admit that I am side-eyeing this year so hard that I think I’ve pulled something. I am hoping that every expert in their respective field is making a mountain out of a molehill, but I am not one to second-guess folks who spend their every waking hour worried about a thing. I am not personally doing well today, so I suppose that is colouring my feelings. Were I to be thrilled and excited for something, a new adventure of some sort, I might feel differently. But I amn’t. Sigh.
I hope you had a good New Year’s Eve. Did you do exciting and fun things or stay home and watch the ball drop? Did you kiss Masters Chingo & Forest when the clock turned to midnight? You better, if you were awake. I did not kiss Ms. B, but I was fast asleep, and I gave her many kisses yesterday. She grows weary of kisses, she gets so many. But never treats. Never wearies of treats, don’t you know. I was planning to go to the pub for NYE. They were having a New Year’s Eve Bash with live music and whatnot. I was in there a few weeks ago and saw the schedule on the wall in the restroom. Well, you know, “shower thoughts” are not much different from “restroom thoughts,” except sometimes smarter. I saw on the schedule that they had listed “Nye Bash,” and I wondered who that singer was. Lordy mercy. I still think that’s a pretty good name for a country or rockabilly singer. But I have learned to laugh at myself, and that was pretty damn funny when I realised what it meant. Anyway, I did not go, as I was under the weather. Fibro flare that feels like it’s reenacting a supernova.Well, it was. I’m still sore, but I went to bed last night by 2000 and hit it with 2 muscle relaxers in addition to the other suspects. I cannot take any pain reliever like Tylenol or Advil because of my liver enzymes or something. Anyway. I’m sure the party in my head was a blast.
I feel fully in the midst of the January doldrums. I think I read ahead a chapter in class. I am so ready for spring already. It’s going to be a long winter. Sigh. It was overcast again yesterday, but it is supposed to be sunny today, and that always helps. The problem is, in winter, when it is clear, it is cold. When it is overcast, it is warm. The clouds help trap the warm air close to the surface. So I can freeze and see sun or be warm and Eeyore. facepalm And the temps are predicted to just get colder and colder throughout this week. At least the sky is lightening now, if only by a minute or so a day. But I can tell, believe it or not. I am so in tune with the sun at this point…well, I may as well be its child in some ways. I like that image. It is comforting. Baby sun. The sun is rising now, as a matter of fact. Late, for sure, when compared to midsummer, but earlier than last week. And if Congress would keep their mitts off things, we might be able to acclimate. But I do not wish to talk about them. That word just made me neon angry: “Congress.”
I am at least getting some alone time with my thoughts this morning. I have this almanack now set up so it goes much more quickly than before. Some combination of Mr. H and Ms. B causing a disruption woke me up at 0600, so I went ahead and got up. Mr. B is here with me, so I am not totally alone, but Mr. B is not wild today. He is rather cuddly and helps cure what ails me, if I’m honest. And vice versa, one does hope. I have been thinking about my almanack and and about my personal systems of government and, really, all I have accomplished since 2020, and I began this new life as a domestic engineer. I know I’ve said this before, but I really have had to figure it out by myself, for the most part. I guess it seems easy to just “clean the house.” But that’s not all there is. And “cleaning the house” can mean a lot of things, I have come to understand. Are we tidying? Decluttering? Or actually cleaning? a light dusting? or a deep clean including the baseboards? Also, how often do you have to clean baseboards? And that doesn’t include meals or the outside in any way. Or the pets. Or my spouse. There are whole books and classes on homemaking, and they are not easy. I will admit with a full throat that I did not have a proper appreciation before, and I had a better appreciation than a lot of people. Anyway, it has been a learning curve. I’ve watched videos and communed with my ancestors and downloaded free printables and tried every app there is. I still do not accomplish what I want to, but I am better than I used to be, I think. Some of it is more confusing now, because I’ve interjected—or tried to—things I want to do, like write or garden. It’s hard figuring out what you want to do and can do and and can afford and everything. I’ve been so accustomed to taking my cues from everyone else. Learning to hear my own cues and then put them in the real world…this is when I get ornery about all that re-parenting I have to do. This should have been done already!! But I was too busy taking care of them. Sigh.
I want to move. There are aspects of this place that I like, but I think there are more and more that are weighing on the negative side. I am not necessarily in a hurry about it, but I don’t want to live here forever. I don’t like living near the H’s, for one. Christmas was awkward. It was fine, but awkward. Mr. H told me how his family used to steal food from the food pantry. I may have mentioned it. I can’t even. And, yes, they had money. After spending time with my family at Thanksgiving, who are trying to help everyone they can, and his, who are only interested in themselves…I just can’t stand it, hardly. I am standing it, but it is awful. I’m really just trying to minimise my surface area at the moment and disappear into the wallpaper I have not gotten around to buying. I also need some water near me. I need to look at waves or ripples or something. There are lakes and rivers around here to look at. I should go more often, perhaps, but my point is that my dream has always been to live closer to water than further from it, and I definitely have moved further from it. Myrtle Beach barely counts as the beach. I do not go to the beach to do something else. I go to the beach to spend time looking at the water or birds or dunes or what-have-you. The traffic here is absolutely wild. People will literally try to kill you. I hate driving here and the public transportation is almost nonexistent. I like our house very much, but there are others that are similar and better situated. I am wanting to either move east in the state or way, way south or way, way west. East in the state is obviously easier and my family is there. The politics and weather aren’t any better though. Sigh. For the record, Mr. H is only mildly interested in moving. And, most of the time, he says he can only handle one day at a time. I do understand that to some extent, but you have to think about where you are going in life. Of course, he is also one reason I want to move. I think he might feel better and be easier to live with. Or he can stay here, and the peace will be easier to live with. Whichever. There are other reasons too, but those are the main ones.
I know my fibro flare and the anger I have been feeling are connected. I did cry a bit yesterday. I think that helped. It’s hard to cry most days. You can’t cry all the time about the same thing. Regardless of whether I get the H out of D this year or not, there are some things I want to try to do outside of the home this year. I think I might want to take up archery or shooting. I would take up shooting, but I don’t want a gun at home. I know you can rent them. I don’t want to shoot living things unless I absolutely had no choice and even then…but I do like a bit of target practice. I have never been good at traditional archery. I could barely get my arrow to stay on the string, really, but I could practice. I might be able to do something feral with a crossbow. And it would be hard to do much self-harm with a bow. Not my first choice, if we’re thinking of that. I am in no danger of wanting to do anything like that, but I do have to consider it. A gun is too easy to go from thought to action. I even thought what if I kept it in a safe deposit box, but that’s still too easy. I just don’t want to own one beyond the heirloom I have that is unloaded and nonfunctioning. But I could defend myself—albeit medievally—with a crossbow, if I had to. Kind of badass, honestly. “Man in serious condition after homeowner shoots him with a crossbow. Film at 11.” I don’t really want to do that, of course, and would feel terrible if that were reality. All I’m saying is that it is a possibility. I’m just thinking through things. Don’t get excited. No one is interested in shooting anything animate with anything else. At least not in this house. It sucks when you enjoy shooting but are bipolar and also live in America. I just want to do it as a hobby like a normal person. I also am interested in the knowledge and lore around it. What’s what and how do you clean it and what’s a fifty-aught-6 or whatever. I don’t like that there is a hole in my knowledge in that area. That’s how they get you.
I’m also interested in old people and holding babies. I know those are very different things, but they’re not really. It’s all nurturing and listening. I’m in the middle, so I have a lot to learn from each end, if you will. I’ll start with holding babies. We’ve discussed somatics, I think. I did not even realise that was a thing or how important until recently. Well, that isn’t fair. Ally-san, you and Kristen(?) taught me about some of that a few years ago at the old practice. I did not take it on board right away. It seemed silly at the time. I felt terribly uncomfortable with it all, as you know, but the seed was planted, I’ll give you that. Anyway, it has exponentially sped up for me since being home and being able to finally attend to such things. I understand that it is important for our brains and hormones and bodies and healing. They think cats’ purring is related to healing, did you know that? I bring this up because I have noticed when I hold Mr. B it helps both of us, not just him. Like, my muscles relax and my breathing is better, and I feel better. I am sorry for my terrible comma placement, but it is indicative of how it sort of pours out and stops and then pours out again. The feelings. Vanti, you know those compartments? That’s where it’s coming out of. I am just fortunate it is not trying to come out of my cardiac compartment yet. So, I know that there are organisations that hold babies whose mothers are otherwise indisposed or what-have-you. Babies born with addictions. That sort of thing. It might help heal my abandonment wound in some ways. I guess that sounds like a selfish reason to volunteer to hold babies. It might suck ass, I guess. I am nervous about holding little babies too. I assume they help you with all that. Linda used to do it, she said, and she really enjoyed it. Old people is easier to explain. They are funny and have stories and I like helping them out. It makes me feel like Mama R or Mommy E are still around. I like helping them shop and things. Anyway. I also have a lot of “geriatric knowledge,” having already spent so much time in the company of older folks.
I also have an idea on how to save the world. It’s a bit of a pipe dream. It definitely wouldn’t happen this year. It would be long-term, and I’d be very late getting started. There’s a lot wrong with the idea, but it involves becoming a lawyer who specialises in constitutional law. Maybe international law as well or something interdisciplinary. Yes, that’s a lot. But I can’t see how anything less would do it. You’d have to swing for the fences, really. And I don’t know if I have it in me. We will see. Maybe it won’t need saving. Maybe they’ll figure it out. Hope springs eternal.
I need to take my medicine and think about the day. I know it’s a holiday, but it’s really just a Wednesday to me. New Year’s Day has never been a huge holiday in my circle, for which I am eternally grateful. I am sorry to be so maudlin. Let us hope that next year, my outlook will be the opposite. I hope yours is today. Please ignore my Eeyore-nesses and enjoy your own merrymaking. It is just the bleak midwinter blues. Give peas and greens to the goodest of all good boys. Give each other warm hugs from me.
Live long and prosper—
Case Study #69